Unlocking Healthy Communication: 5 Steps to Strengthen Your Marriage Relationship
Pastor Kara Veach & LMHC Jon Leong
In a world where relationships are the cornerstone of our lives, healthy communication stands as the bedrock upon which they thrive. From familial bonds to friendships and romantic connections, effective communication can make all the difference. But how do we navigate the spaghetti noodles of emotions we often feel and the diversity of needs to foster genuine understanding and connection?
Let's delve into LMHC Jon Leong's insightful presentation on Communication and Relationships, where he outlines five pivotal steps to cultivating healthy communication - specifically healthy communication in marriage.
Step 1: Identify Your Need
Understanding how you are best loved is the cornerstone of effective communication. Just as an architect needs a blueprint to construct a sturdy building, we must decipher our emotional blueprint to articulate our needs clearly.
Utilizing tools like the Emotions Wheel and reflective practices such as prayer and meditation can illuminate the pathways to our deepest desires. Consider the following questions:
How are you best loved?
What emotions are you feeling?
What basic needs are not being met? (Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs)
Step 2: Verbalize Your Need
Vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections. By expressing our needs openly and honestly, we create a bridge between our hearts and those of others. Expressing your needs openly and honestly fosters understanding and builds trust between each individual. For example, if you are in the middle of an argument, and you express the need for a few minutes to reflect, the other person has the opportunity to understand that need instead of guess what the silence or reclusion means.
Step 3: Allow The Other to Say “No”
Respecting the autonomy of others is paramount in fostering healthy relationships. We are all individuals with free will, and it is important that we feel respected as an adult who has their own autonomy. Understanding that it's okay for someone to decline our requests cultivates a culture of mutual respect and understanding. True love does not coerce but rather empowers each individual to express their truth freely.
This is not said to mean that the other person should reject you or deny you in all requests, but providing the opportunity for the other person to say no allows them to have some control in the situation. For example, if you are running late in picking up the kids and you call your spouse to ask if they can grab them instead, it is important to suggest that no is an option because the other person might not be able to as well, and that’s okay! It’s not their fault all of a sudden that they can’t pick up the kids because that was never the original plan. Respecting one another’s no’s leads to valuing and trusting the other’s yes.
Step 4: Accept Answer with Gratitude
Gratitude is the fertile soil in which healthy relationships thrive. By accepting responses graciously, we create a safe space for dialogue and mutual growth. Embracing the diversity of perspectives enriches our relational landscape, painting it with vibrant hues of understanding and acceptance.
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Thankfulness keeps us humble and recognizing that we have limitations. When we recognize our own limitations, we can vulnerably accept love and help from God and from those we love. Here’s an article that expands on “What is Gratitude and Why Is It So Important?” if you want to know more.
Step 5: Be Open to Healthy Compromise
Flexibility is the cornerstone of sustainable relationships. Just as a tree bends with the wind to avoid breaking, we must adapt and compromise to nurture our connections. By exploring alternative pathways to meeting our needs, we foster resilience and deepen our bonds. Check out this article on compromise that might help you in reflecting on how the two of you consider compromise in the midst of an argument.
Try It Out
Take a moment to put these steps into practice. Initiate a conversation with a loved one, articulating your needs with clarity and vulnerability. Practice the art of listening without attachment to outcomes, and reflect on the richness that emerges from genuine connection.
Harmful Communication Patterns: A Roadblock to Intimacy
As we navigate the terrain of communication, it's imperative to recognize and mitigate harmful patterns that erode the fabric of our relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling form the four horsemen of relational apocalypse, wreaking havoc on our emotional landscapes. These four harmful communication patterns derive from what The Gottman Institute calls “The Four Horsemen” - this name comes from the concept of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and “is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.” (Gottman.com).
Recognizing the “Four Horsemen” in our own interactions is so important because of the negative impact these responses can do to our relationships. We must first learn to recognize these communication habits, and identify tools that keep us from continuing these patterns of communication.
1.Criticism
When we attack our partner's character or personality instead of addressing specific behaviors, we sow seeds of discord. Criticism is a silent killer as it can become unnoticed and build up over time. We need to be very careful in the way that we communicate our needs so that we do not take on the voice of criticism when we instead or trying to communicate a complaint, critique, or need for change.
Instead, adopting a gentle start-up approach allows us to express our feelings using "I" statements, fostering a culture of appreciation and understanding.
2. Contempt
The poison arrow of contempt corrodes the very foundation of our relationships, inflicting wounds that are slow to heal. Contempt is simply being mean to the other person - this looks like when “we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless” (Gottman.com).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
By cultivating fondness and admiration for our partners and turning towards them instead of away, we inoculate our connections against the venom of contempt. Identifying and reminding yourself of your partner’s strengths, positive qualities, and positive actions can help in building a culture of appreciation even if everything isn’t perfect in other areas.
3. Defensiveness
Shielding ourselves from perceived attacks only serves to perpetuate conflict. When we become defensive, we victimize ourselves and create excuses that essentially “tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes” (Gottman.com).
Instead, we must actively engage in conflict resolution, turning towards our partners and sharing our vulnerabilities with courage and humility. We must learn to take personal responsibility and accept our partner’s perspective in humility. Apologizing is not a show of weakness, it provides the opportunity to build and repair things that have been broken.
4. Stonewalling
Withdrawing from conflict may seem like a safe harbor, but it only leads to emotional estrangement. It can convey disapproval, distance, and separation without even meaning to do so. It is important to communicate when time for reflection or cooling off might be needed instead of shutting down or leaving the situation.
By practicing self-soothing techniques, we can navigate conflicts with grace and compassion.
Building the Sound House of Love
Drawing inspiration from the Gottman Sound Relationship House Theory, we can fortify the walls of our relationships and weather the storms of life with resilience and grace. From nurturing love maps to managing conflicts and making life dreams come true, each brick laid strengthens the edifice of our love.
Love Maps
How well do you know your partner? By investing time and effort into understanding their hopes, fears, and aspirations, we deepen our emotional connection and foster intimacy. Here’s an article on how to build a Love Map.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration
Expressing appreciation and respect towards our partners lays the groundwork for a thriving relationship. By turning towards them in moments of connection, we affirm the bonds of love and mutual respect. Sometimes it helps to write these things down. Take time to do this together and then share them with one another. This type of sharing will help build bonds of love and intimacy with one another.
Turning Towards Instead of Away
Small moments of everyday life are the building blocks of intimacy. By responding to bids for connection with warmth and attentiveness, we nurture the seeds of love and understanding. This can be practiced literally with how you sit at the dinner table, or talk to one another when you get home from work. Provide eye contact, position your bodies towards one another, and don’t be afraid to reach out when one person is expressing stress or frustration.
Managing Conflict
Conflict is not the enemy of love but rather an opportunity for growth and understanding. By differentiating between solvable and perpetual problems, we approach conflict resolution with clarity and compassion. There are so many tools out there for managing conflict. If you are struggling with doing this on your own, consider looking up tools online or get a counselor involved. There is no shame in involving a third party to help you learn tools that will create better outcomes when conflict shows up.
A good tool to use is the Gottman-Rapoport Intervention tool that provides “Speaker” and “Listener” roles with expectations for each role that help provide space for active listening. These roles and expectations help the speaker feel heard and help the listener to really understand the needs of the speaker.
Making Life Dreams Come True
Encouraging open communication about our hopes and aspirations creates a shared sense of purpose and identity. By supporting each other's dreams, we forge a path towards mutual fulfillment and joy. Consider taking time to write down your own personal dreams, encourage your partner to do the same, and then plan on sharing them at a future date night. Although not all the dreams will align, sharing them helps get any unspoken expectations out into the open so healthy compromise and encouragement can come to the surface.
Invest, invest, invest.
We are always in process. No marriage is perfect. Throughout the Bible, there are several proverbs that encourage us to be life-long learners so as to be wise and not foolish. It is important to be a learner of your spouse, and a learner of tools that can help you support your spouse. The grass is greener where you water it, and your marriage needs watering constantly! Marriage is a gift, and it is a gift that God has given us to partner in life together, bringing others into relationship with Him.
Want More?
For additional resources and support, visit our Relationships Resources Page for valuable tools and insights on strengthening your relationships.